My Life
by Ice Queeny
Summary: This is just a random collections of writings that I've written over the years.
1. I Love You

I love you… That's what I tell myself when I'm supposed to be sleeping at night. It's what I say when there's no one else to blame and all I can ask is 'why'. It's what I tell myself when I'm crying to the point where I can't breathe. It's what I scream when I pretend it's you, but I'm just screaming at a bed sheet.

What I tell myself more is that you love me… That's what I remind myself when that's not what you say. It's what I tell myself when you break your word and you seem not to care. It's what I whisper to my reflection when I'm staring in the mirror. It's what I repeat in my head when I'm looking at you in fear.

I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, so I spend my nights crying until I no longer have the will to stay awake. You were my protection, my strength, my courage, my pride and part of my wisdom. I find myself randomly wishing that we could go back to how it was in the beginning, but even that wasn't true. It feels as though everything I felt for you and everything you ever told me was just that: a beautiful lie.

I scream until I'm hoarse, I punch my pillow over and over again until feathers burst form within, and yet nothing changes. You're still the same pathetic, hollow soul that you've always been and that I'm just starting to see and understand for the first time. I'm grown, but I'm still a child. Yet I've seen more hell than you can imagine, and part of that is your fault and part of that is my fault for not being strong enough.

I don't want to blame you but why shouldn't I? You blame me for everything that is your fault. You scream, you cry and tell me that I don't love you when all I've ever done is love you. All I've ever wanted to do was love you. There are some things a person should never hear from someone that means the world to them, but I have; you said them. You said them all.

What have I said in return? The only thing that I can: why. Why do you do this to yourself? Why aren't you trying anymore? Why don't you car? Don't you see that we love you? Don't you love us too? Don't you love me? I can scream, I can cry and I can ask as many questions as I want to – I can take forever to do it, but I know the answer. As much as I wish that I didn't, I do.

_Put the bottle to your lips  
__Drink it all away  
__In hope that one day it'll be okay  
__But know that I will forever say:_

_I love you dad…_


	2. Goodbye

I told myself that if I never I went, I would never have to say goodbye so technically it would be like he never left. In my mind, if there wasn't a goodbye, no one could leave. It's a foolish thought, I know, but it a strange way it was also a very comforting thought. So while he was sitting in the passenger seat of his car, while one of his family members drove him to the airport, I was at home by myself. I couldn't bring myself to go in that car with him to say goodbye, because I didn't want him to go. However, in sitting in my room by myself, I realized that even if I never said goodbye, he was still going to leave and I didn't want him to go without knowing that I wanted to say goodbye.

We dated for awhile and when we broke up, things became more complicated between the two of us. He told me he still wanted to be friends with me, and I told him to only say that if he meant it and not to lie to me. He repeated that he wanted to be friends. He said that he wanted to treat me better and wanted to try again after he got the rest of his life under control. I foolishly believed him. However, five days later I found out he had a new girlfriend and was living with her. I realized in that moment of hearing that news that he never meant any of what he said to me and I had believed every word of it.  
We never talked much after we broke up, but I still tried to uphold my word of being friends with him afterwards, but he never tried. He didn't want to because he had a new girlfriend in his life, and she had become his life. He quickly had fallen in love with her, which meant there was no longer any room for me in his life. It hurt to understand that, but I did and I slowly moved on. I heard later that his new girlfriend left him because she couldn't handle him leaving today.  
I knew that she would, and when I found out that she did, I called him to make sure he was alright. I didn't call because I wanted to, I called because I was upholding a promise I had made to him. I promised him that if I could, I would always be there for him and he told me he would do the same for me, but he never did. A wise man once said that promises are made to be broken, but I don't think they are. I think that certain people are made to break promises.

The promise I had made to him was one of the reasons that my large SUV merged onto the busy highway as fast as I could make it go without slamming into the back of an old couple in their small car. My heart began to slowly accelerate with the wheels of my car as I carefully turned the steering wheel back and forth to weave through the traffic. My car began to tremble in fear of it's own life as I pushed down the peddle to go faster and refused to look at my speedometer. I thought to myself that I should have called for a police escort, but as soon as I thought that I told myself that the police probably wouldn't have done that. Besides, it was my fault that I choose to wait to leave so late and to not go with everyone else.  
The flash of red lights brought my attention back to the highway as I slammed on my brake peddle because of the halting cars in front of me. "Why are you breaking?" I screamed at the stopped cars, "Don't you understand I have to be somewhere?" Hundreds of other people on the highway were probably thinking the same thing as I was, and they probably let out the sigh of relief that I had let out when the cars slowly began to move forward and space out enough for my car to slip between them. However, the other drivers along the highway weren't anywhere on my mind. To be honest, I could only think about four things in that moment: 1. Not dying from my ridiculous driving, 2. Time seeming to slip through my fingertips faster than I could grasp, 3. Him leaving, and 4. Just getting the chance to say I'm sorry.

As I turned the corner to enter the airport, I carefully pressed the brake peddle to slow my car to a halt, before I parked it in a designated "no parking" zone outside of his terminal. I quickly got out of my car and ran towards the sliding doors as fast as I could, not caring whether my car doors locked or not. I was sure that my car was going to get ticketed or towed, which didn't bother me at the time.  
I ran inside and began to panic as I couldn't see a familiar face anywhere inside. I desperately tried to remember the gate number as I stared at the computer screen. Gate forty-eight. My eyes frantically glanced from side to side in hopes of seeing gate forty-eight and when I couldn't, I began to worry. I was worried whether I would make it in time, when I remembered what his sister once told me, "Breathe."  
I slowly closed my eyes and let the muggy air fill my lungs as I breathed in. I reluctantly let go of my breath as I exhaled. A strange sensation washed over me as I felt all of my worry and anxiety slip from my grasps as I exhaled. The noise around me slowly faded away into a soft whisper and then into nothing. My eyes slowly opened to find that everything around me had stopped, except for me. I glanced from side to side in awe before looking behind me to see if the outside world was also suspended. I saw a plump man in a dark uniform in the middle of writing my car a ticket for being illegally parked.

I knew it, I had thought to myself before turning back around to find the gate forty-eight was right in front of me. It always seemed like whatever I was looking for was always right in front of me, I just needed to take time to breathe in order to see what was right in front of me all along.

My focus shifted from the suspended world around me to my mission at hand. I quietly walked around the security guards and the metal detectors as though if I even made a sound, they would come to life instantly. As I safely passed through the crowd, I glanced behind me once again to make sure they I truly was safe before rounding the corner. All I could hear through the deafening silence was the constant pounding of my heart against my ribcage, as I stood there staring at the huddle of crying family and friends. I couldn't see him but I knew he was there. I took a step forward out of fear of losing the moment, when I saw his sister sitting in one of the waiting chairs clutched to his duffle bag. I could tell that she was trying not to cry, but it was very obvious that she failed because of the redness of both her cheeks and her eyes. Her face was stained in tears as her arms were wrapped tightly around the duffle bag as though if she held onto the duffle bag hard enough that he wouldn't be able to leave. I knew how she felt because I, myself, wanted to hold onto that duffle bag for dear life. Moreover, I didn't want her to ever let go of it.

I softly smoothed down my hair in hopes of making myself look more presentable than I actually did. If I had known that time was going to stop, I would have done something with my hair, put on makeup, or put on something nicer. However, I didn't know that time was going to stop, so my hair was in a ponytail, I had no makeup on, and I was dressed in sweats. I didn't care that much in that moment.

I slowly took a couple of steps closer to the huddle of sad faces, and then felt my heart stop when I saw him. His head was shaved, his buttons were buttoned perfectly, his boots was tied tightly and shined to a glistening black. His eyes were sad to leave everyone, but at the same time he was proud of why he was leaving. We all were proud of him from the very beginning, to now and we were all forever proud of him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered softly. "I'm sorry for being late and for even thinking about breaking my promise to you," I said quietly as I forced back the stinging of tears threatening to spill onto my cheeks by closing my eyes.

Like a sonic boom, the world crashed back into animation around me, which forced me to open my eyes. In that instance, his eyes lock onto mine and his mouth falls slightly open in the sheer surprise that I was there. The huddle of people look over at me, including his sister, with contentment on their faces that I actually showed. I didn't think I would have showed either, but I did.  
He slowly walked towards me and when he was a couple of feet away from me, he stopped. My eyes locked on his and a part of me wanting to just have him hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright, but it wasn't like that anymore for us and I understood that. I stayed strong as it seemed like an eternity of staring at him before I spoke. "I kept my promise," I tried to say strong, but I felt my voice weaken with every word, "I'm here," I whispered, and for the first time since he told me about his deployment, I let him see me cry. 


	3. Graduation

I don't want to leave you but I have to go now  
So thank you for your love and for my courage,  
Thank you for your concern and for my strength,  
Thank you for your wisdom and for my pride,  
And thank you for your heart and for mine.

I don't want to leave you but I have to say goodbye  
I'll remember the way you smell like gardenias  
I'll remember the way your arms wrapped around me  
I'll remember the way your eyes sparkled when you laugh  
And I'll always remember the way back home.

I owe you everything mom and dad…


End file.
